Lessons are learned from the people who populate our lives. As children we learn from the adults who influence us. As adults we learn from the children we have influenced through their lives. We learn about who we are—or not—from the people with whom we have relationships.
My mother always made remarks that stopped me in my tracks…thought-provoking remarks. Some took me by surprise because I never would have seen them coming. Some were spoken soft and low, the two of us alone in my car, as if she were afraid God would hear and condemn her to Hell.
Mom was somewhere in the middle of her Alzheimer’s journey. She drove her car to my house to pick me up, probably to go shopping. And she said to me, “You can drive if you want to. You probably don’t trust me to drive.” She found her way to my house. I wasn’t afraid to ride with her. And I told her so. But the day did come when we had to take her car keys from her. She was SO angry about that.
“I’ve been driving since I was 16 years old,” she argued. “Much longer than you…You’ll know how it feels when your children do this to you.” I recognized the Alzheimer’s doing the talking.
I still can’t understand why Dad took her to renew her driver’s license the last time. Unless he thought the BMV wouldn’t renew her license. But they did. So we had to take on the responsibilities of protecting Mom and everyone around her who might be hurt if she drove her car.
I never felt like we did role reversal. I was never her mother. I was her daughter. I knew her, how she did things, what she expected, so I let her make decisions but used my own common sense to assure they were viable decisions with good consequences. She was satisfied that she had some control over her life.
I think about my abilities, when I will have to relinquish my driving privileges. (Driving is not a right. It is a privilege. And when we can no longer drive safely we must give up our keys, our cars, and rely on younger drivers who are safer drivers to get us where we need to go.) I’d like to own one more new vehicle and travel a lot before I have to give up those privileges. I may even have time enough to own two new cars.
A young woman, grown tired of neglect and emotional cruelty from her husband resolved to leave, “I am almost 40 years old. I only have one life. I’m not going to waste any more of it!”
An older woman asks, “How do you break promises to God?” And is told the promises were made to a man, not to God. And, anyway, it’s hard to comprehend the hold of patriarchy over a woman who has been neglected and unhappy for years but cannot bring herself to leave the unhealthy relationship even though she has been informed that God doesn’t want his children to live in a state of unhappiness. And the husband has broken his vows so their contract is null and void. But, but, but, she could be happy if her husband would be the man he needs to be…that she needs him to be. She can’t change him. And he’s not going to change. What is she going to do?
On Sunday I clicked a link to a story with this headline: “Thoughts of God make us slackers, study suggests.” (http://www.livescience.com/16784-thoughts-god-motivation-temptation.html). Why? “People ‘behave’ because God knows when they’ve been bad or good. Being reminded of the presence of an all-knowing God helps people resist temptations for fear they will be ‘caught’ by God and punished…”
THAT is patriarchy.
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