Who would have thought four years would pass between the last post and the next one? What have I been doing all of this time? I have been doing what I do best ... protecting the people I love in this world of angst and doubt. My youngest grandchild will be five in February. Much of my time has been spent with him while his mother works to support him. She is a single mom.
I still mourn the loss of my mother. She was wise and kind and compassionate. And she always had my back, as I had hers. As I face the troubles around me I wish I could go to her and talk. Somehow going to her grave and talking but nobody talking back seems unproductive to me. I can do that from home because I know that she isn't there behind that stone. She's off in the Universe somewhere on her next adventure!
When COVID-19 entered the U.S. from Wuhan, China I was glad that neither of my parents was living. Dad never did live in a nursing home, but because Mom had insisted well before the Alzheimer's took over her mind, and because I couldn't singlehandedly take care of her at home, she lived the last two years and one month of her life in a facility. (I still do not call them homes because they are not homes. They are death camps, holding tanks, until the body and the mind finally give up.) I am so thankful she wasn't separated from us during this pandemic. She would not have remembered anyone by the time we could see her again. I guess I would have had to bring her home with me before the virus made its way across the country to NE Ohio.
The isolation of COVID-19 ... I thought it wasn't really so much different than the isolation I had before the virus came to Ohio. Any kind of isolation is harmful to the human heart and mind. Before, I could get in my car and go somewhere when I wanted to. These times, I think twice about leaving the house. When my grandson wants to play with the little girl across the yard from him, I fear letting him go because they will go inside the house and that, says Gov. DeWine, is risky. And my heart nearly stopped when her daddy told my daughter that the little girl was sick and he feared COVID-19. I fear not letting him play because little ones need socializing to learn things like sharing and playing well together. These things can't afford to be put on hold, can they? He's an only child.
My youngest child is getting married on Saturday. I asked them to wait for a while, but they couldn't see their way to that. I have pushed for face-coverings, not because I'm afraid but because the governor says we have to learn how to live with COVID-19 among us. It's not to protect me and keep me safe that I wear face coverings when I go among people and places that I have not sheltered in place with. I wear the face coverings to protect the people I love and care about, to PROTECT. And it dates back a lot of years. I've been a protector since I was about 11 years old.
Protect is what I do; what I have always done, from the day I came upon a gang of boys who had pinned my brother to the ground and were beating his head against the macadam street. Were they trying to kill him??? I remember very clearly concluding, "I have to watch over his shoulder and protect him until he can protect himself." And further, it was my duty in life to protect those who are perceived as weak and vulnerable. Protector. That's what I am. Protecting is what I do. And I also am rigid. I never thought of myself as rigid. I thought I was flexible and easy-going. But in some things I am rigid. The first step is the hardest and everything begins with the first step. It should be easier going from here, right?
So, where am I going to go from here, this moment, this precipice? Forward. One foot in front of the other. Sometimes baby steps. I will go on. I will continue learning, growing, becoming the woman God meant me to be.
