Conscience. Honesty. Patience. Sacrifice.
Tolerance. These are things my mother taught me well, perhaps to my detriment.
I’m not sure about that yet.
Mom enforced The Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. When
something goes wrong, the first person you look at is yourself to see what your
part was in the situation and how you are going to make it right. (I think
making it right might be called ‘restitution’ or ‘atonement.’) “Clean up your
own doorstep before you start on someone else’s.” So I have a huge conscience.
And when I have done my best I still question whether I have done enough and with
the right motives. How can I restore the trust I might have broken
inadvertently because I would never intentionally hurt someone?
The Truth hurts. There are times that we need to hear something even if
we don’t like it. Being honest can hurt the person who is being so truthful.
But can I be anything less and not compromise my values and the qualities that
make me who I am, hopefully a trustworthy, honorable, patient woman who tries
to make her little corner of the world a better place. But being a nice person
does tend to get you walked on…like letting the contractor of the property
owner next door put his ladders on our property to repair the house the owner
is going to flip after he cost us $2,500 after the storm last June, and us not
doing anything about it. I doubt he’s going to think about that or make
restitution to the tune of $2,500.
Patience. Everyone tells me to be patient.
Things will work out. I am trying. I don’t know where to draw the lines that
can’t be crossed because I have a conscience that says I haven’t been patient
enough and I’m honest to a fault and I don’t know where my rights begin and end.
I’ve never filed an insurance property claim in my life! I am disadvantaged
here because I don’t know what I can rightfully expect. Everyone has a
different opinion about it so I have stopped listening. I just want this all to
go away, a faded memory over time. But I have to be patient and work through ‘the
process.’
Sacrifice. How many times must I be the
one to take care of everything, to sacrifice for others instead of looking
after my own needs. I don’t really understand that concept because I’ve spent a
lifetime putting everyone else first. That’s the way I was taught. And long
after those lessons were integrated into the little person I once was, I was
told, “Don’t forget about you. Sometimes you have to put YOU first.” Um…what
does that even mean??? I worked hard to crochet a large order for someone a
couple thousand miles away from me. She pays me pretty well for my crochet
work. It is hard on my hands. The money was designated for Christmas presents
and Christmas dinner. Some of it has been spent on gifts, but an unexpected
expense came up, the household account fell short, and I had to use that
designated money to cover the expense. Sacrifice…again.
Tolerance. I wish I wasn’t so good at
this. I can excuse anyone’s behaviors. I can forgive and most of the time
forget. I can readily convince myself that if I am patient and wait, things
will get better. You don’t throw away things because they might later prove to
be worth something. So, I tolerate — sometimes things that I shouldn’t tolerate
— and wait for things to get better.
Sometimes I get tired of waiting.
©2014 Cathy Thomas Brownfield ~
All Rights Reserved.
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