It's amazing how there is no color in the world when clouds obscure the sun. One can board a jet in a colorless world, then take off through the clouds to sunlight above them. The sun is always there. We just don't always see it.
It's a rainy day in no, not Georgia. Well, it may be raining in Georgia, but it's also a rainy day in Northeast Ohio, at least in our little town, the heart of the county. I heard birdsong in mid-to-late February. I recognized the robin's song as soon as I heard it and it gave me hope that spring would not be long in arriving. And I've been pretty ticked off at Punxy Phil. He lied!
I had to be out running a couple of days ago, so I stopped to visit my parents for a few...I'm never sure if I'll be there for a few minutes or a few hours. I hate to just drop in, visit a few minutes, and be on my way again. But sometimes that's how it is. I think even the few minutes are good for my parents and good for me.
We were talking. I looked at Dad and said, "I'm a workaholic!"
He looked back at me. "I know what you're saying."
I used to give him a terrible time about always working. It was like he was driven to work as much as he could to make as much money as he could. He didn't do bad for someone with only an 8th grade education. He was a crane operator for a tire manufacturing concern, NRM Corporation, for many years. When I started working in the shipping/receiving department in 1972, he put a bid in for the truck driver position and got it. It was nothing for him to work 7 a.m. to 10 or 11 at night. We never knew if he was going to be home for supper or not. So, I gave him some static. Not a lot. I was afraid to say much. We'll just say I had a healthy respect for my parents and rarely talked back. I just knew Mom wouldn't tolerate mouthy disrespect. And I loved her too much to want to be a disappointment to her.
So, yes, when I admitted that I'm a workaholic, I wasn't surprised that Dad knew exactly what I was talking about. And maybe it told him that I understood exactly what he was talking about the day I said, "I am going to quit my job and stay home full time."
"What are you going to do with all of your time?" he asked. "Are you going to be able to keep busy?"
Workaholics, from my POV (that's writerly for 'point of view'), are people who are so driven to take care of responsibilities, particularly the financial ones, that they don't know how to relax, take a breath and actually breathe, to stop and smell the roses or to sit down and enjoy a movie, a tv show, a cookout with the family, an afternoon sitting lakeside while the spouse tosses a line in the water.
Mom piped up, "You are a workaholic."
I was surprised. And I have to chuckle at that. My parents keep telling me they don't want to bother me because I'm so busy. And I keep telling them that I'll always have busy work because I can't sit still without something to do--crocheting, reading, and especially writing. But I can always set my busywork aside for things that are more important, like talking to my children, going to a hamburger joint and a movie with a grandchild, visiting with my parents, helping my parents, and anything else I want to do.
Mom...I'm so blessed to have her. Our family is so blessed that the AD is progressing so slowly. It's five years since her heart-breaking diagnosis. And nearly three years since the doctor prescribed Namenda. I don't know what's in the Namenda, but it's a miracle for my mom. She keeps saying, "My brain is so dead," and it's true that she isn't as sharp-minded as she once was. Sometimes what she says isn't exactly right...can be totally wrong...but she's still Mom and she still has wisdom and knowledge that I value. And sometimes she is still right on the money. The difficulty is in being able to tell which is which.
When I pray before I go to sleep, I ask God to take care of her. I ask Him not to let the AD totally take control of her. And I trust Him to take care of her, not to let the AD take total control of her. That she'll always recognize us. And always know how much we love her.
Yeah. It's a rainy day in Northeast Ohio. And rainy days always turn my thoughts to philosophy of life. Deep thinking. But if the sun doesn't come back out soon I'm gonna have to turn on all the lights and simulate sunshine.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Another over the hump day
The over-the-hump days come so rapidly these days. The weeks are flying. It's March 21, the first day of spring. The first quarter of 2007 is nearly done.
I remember when I was a child the weeks seemed to drag out for so impossibly long times. But those days probably ticked off as rapidly for older folks then as they do for me now. Must be because I'm so "busy."
Mom and Dad say they don't call me because they know I'm "busy." I keep telling them I'll always have "busy" work to keep my hands "busy." But the thing about busy work is that it can be set aside when I have something important to do...like helping my parents when they need me. They don't call very often. And I'm going to start inviting them to dinner at our house at least once a week. They came for birthday cake last week when the twins turned 20. My babies. Who grew up way too fast. In fact, I can't figure out how time flew so quickly.
Anyway, my parents came for birthday cake for the girls, and they were so tickled to be here. So I'll have them to dinner a couple of times a week. With warmer weather coming, I want to cook out on the grill. Looks like we'll be able to afford to fill the propane tank for the grill this spring. YES! I think we'll use the patio a lot this year. Hm. We'll need a new picnic table, too.
The days don't drift. They fly by. We need to take advantage of the time we have while we have it because the day will come when time runs out and Mom and Dad will be gone. We won't be able to go back and retrieve it. I don't want to wait until they are gone to appreciate them.
Besides, Mom perks up when she has visits with family. I think that helps her.
Onward with the day.
I remember when I was a child the weeks seemed to drag out for so impossibly long times. But those days probably ticked off as rapidly for older folks then as they do for me now. Must be because I'm so "busy."
Mom and Dad say they don't call me because they know I'm "busy." I keep telling them I'll always have "busy" work to keep my hands "busy." But the thing about busy work is that it can be set aside when I have something important to do...like helping my parents when they need me. They don't call very often. And I'm going to start inviting them to dinner at our house at least once a week. They came for birthday cake last week when the twins turned 20. My babies. Who grew up way too fast. In fact, I can't figure out how time flew so quickly.
Anyway, my parents came for birthday cake for the girls, and they were so tickled to be here. So I'll have them to dinner a couple of times a week. With warmer weather coming, I want to cook out on the grill. Looks like we'll be able to afford to fill the propane tank for the grill this spring. YES! I think we'll use the patio a lot this year. Hm. We'll need a new picnic table, too.
The days don't drift. They fly by. We need to take advantage of the time we have while we have it because the day will come when time runs out and Mom and Dad will be gone. We won't be able to go back and retrieve it. I don't want to wait until they are gone to appreciate them.
Besides, Mom perks up when she has visits with family. I think that helps her.
Onward with the day.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
What do you do?
When you learn that a loved one, say your mom, has Alzheimer's, what do you do?
First, you cry. It's so hard to think about the person you admire so much is going to slowly slip away from you without dying. The shell will still be there and even if she does say, "When I don't know you any more, don't come to visit. I'll be gone."
Wow. Mom said that to me once. And it was from the heart. Sometimes when she says things I know it's not really what she means. But she meant that one. I don't think I can ever stop going to see her, though. No. My prayers are that God will not let her be completely taken over by Alzheimer's, that He'll let her stay where she is at this moment of the disease's progression until the day she dies. That it will never completely rob us of her.
My brothers wanted to deny that AD had entered the picture. I accepted it pretty quickly because I had to accept it in order to start looking for ways to help her, to slow down the progression, prevent it if I could, but to embrace it and look for answers, to be there for her with knowledge that could help her. There was no time to lose, especially as I looked back and saw all the red flags we had missed early on. They were there...but the changes were so gradual, so subtle. Unnoticeable until we looked back.
My knee-jerk reaction was that I had to step in immediately and take over the handling of Mom and Dad's affairs. It wasn't that I was trying to be controlling and bossy. It was that I wanted to help them. Mom wanted to stay independent, to live in their house until she dies. I thought I had to immediately get to work to make that happen. It took awhile for me to understand that they will ask for help when they need me. They will accept help when I offer it at the times that I can plainly see that they need me.
That's another thing. I have to be so alert to their words, their expressions, the look in Mom's eyes when she doesn't want to admit that she needs help. And when I'm not there all the time, when days pass before I go back to visit, I lose touch and don't know what they need. And they feel like I've abandoned them. I don't know how to take care of things at my home and their home at the same time. I don't know how to be everywhere at once.
Is that why I've taken to hiding away in my office? Away from everyone and everything? Why doesn't anyone understand what I need? If I go to my parents' house, I neglect things that need to be done at my house. If I stay home, I am not around when they need me and they don't want to bother me because I "have so much on your plate." And if someone else needs something from me, I feel that much more stress and guilt because I can't cover all the bases and I have no one willing to take up my slack.
But they don't want to move to my house. And their house isn't big enough for us to move there. Maybe next year when one daughter is living at the college and the other is married and the newlyweds can live here with the dogs and cats and DH and I can live with my parents. I don't know.
What do you do? You take one day at a time. You do the best you can with today. And all the todays after this one.
First, you cry. It's so hard to think about the person you admire so much is going to slowly slip away from you without dying. The shell will still be there and even if she does say, "When I don't know you any more, don't come to visit. I'll be gone."
Wow. Mom said that to me once. And it was from the heart. Sometimes when she says things I know it's not really what she means. But she meant that one. I don't think I can ever stop going to see her, though. No. My prayers are that God will not let her be completely taken over by Alzheimer's, that He'll let her stay where she is at this moment of the disease's progression until the day she dies. That it will never completely rob us of her.
My brothers wanted to deny that AD had entered the picture. I accepted it pretty quickly because I had to accept it in order to start looking for ways to help her, to slow down the progression, prevent it if I could, but to embrace it and look for answers, to be there for her with knowledge that could help her. There was no time to lose, especially as I looked back and saw all the red flags we had missed early on. They were there...but the changes were so gradual, so subtle. Unnoticeable until we looked back.
My knee-jerk reaction was that I had to step in immediately and take over the handling of Mom and Dad's affairs. It wasn't that I was trying to be controlling and bossy. It was that I wanted to help them. Mom wanted to stay independent, to live in their house until she dies. I thought I had to immediately get to work to make that happen. It took awhile for me to understand that they will ask for help when they need me. They will accept help when I offer it at the times that I can plainly see that they need me.
That's another thing. I have to be so alert to their words, their expressions, the look in Mom's eyes when she doesn't want to admit that she needs help. And when I'm not there all the time, when days pass before I go back to visit, I lose touch and don't know what they need. And they feel like I've abandoned them. I don't know how to take care of things at my home and their home at the same time. I don't know how to be everywhere at once.
Is that why I've taken to hiding away in my office? Away from everyone and everything? Why doesn't anyone understand what I need? If I go to my parents' house, I neglect things that need to be done at my house. If I stay home, I am not around when they need me and they don't want to bother me because I "have so much on your plate." And if someone else needs something from me, I feel that much more stress and guilt because I can't cover all the bases and I have no one willing to take up my slack.
But they don't want to move to my house. And their house isn't big enough for us to move there. Maybe next year when one daughter is living at the college and the other is married and the newlyweds can live here with the dogs and cats and DH and I can live with my parents. I don't know.
What do you do? You take one day at a time. You do the best you can with today. And all the todays after this one.
Monday, March 19, 2007
New week, new day, new blog
I had a blog about Alzheimer's. I think I deleted it. No, I don't have AD, but my mother does. My objective is not to violate her privacy, but to share with others the AD experience because it's different for everyone. Which is why I deleted the other blog...if I deleted it. I can't find it anywhere.
AD...I remember a sunny day in March several years ago. I remember Mom called me and said her doctor wanted to talk to me. He wanted to talk to me because he had diagnosed Mom with Alzheimer's. I remember being stunned. Oh, it didn't affect me too much at first. It's so easy to think, "She just misunderstood something he said. It can't happen to my mom." But later, every time I sat down at my computer to write, I would freeze, think about my mother's diagnosis and the tears would fall.
My siblings didn't believe it. They were in denial for a LONG time. One still insisted at Thanksgiving 2006, "I don't believe Mom has Alzheimer's." The other said, "Take a good look at her. You're talking about things she's saying to you. Is that normal for her?" "No." "That's the Alzheimer's."
It breaks my heart to see someone I grew up admiring, respecting...she was so sharp-minded. Nobody could pull anything on her. She was always at the top of her game. Now, even she will say, "I hate my brain. It doesn't work right. It's dying. I can see that it is."
Well, I don't know if I can share everything here. But I will share what I can without violating privacy of others. What I know for sure is that I don't want my mother to slip away from us. Hummingbird, don't fly away!
AD...I remember a sunny day in March several years ago. I remember Mom called me and said her doctor wanted to talk to me. He wanted to talk to me because he had diagnosed Mom with Alzheimer's. I remember being stunned. Oh, it didn't affect me too much at first. It's so easy to think, "She just misunderstood something he said. It can't happen to my mom." But later, every time I sat down at my computer to write, I would freeze, think about my mother's diagnosis and the tears would fall.
My siblings didn't believe it. They were in denial for a LONG time. One still insisted at Thanksgiving 2006, "I don't believe Mom has Alzheimer's." The other said, "Take a good look at her. You're talking about things she's saying to you. Is that normal for her?" "No." "That's the Alzheimer's."
It breaks my heart to see someone I grew up admiring, respecting...she was so sharp-minded. Nobody could pull anything on her. She was always at the top of her game. Now, even she will say, "I hate my brain. It doesn't work right. It's dying. I can see that it is."
Well, I don't know if I can share everything here. But I will share what I can without violating privacy of others. What I know for sure is that I don't want my mother to slip away from us. Hummingbird, don't fly away!
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