Guilt-free today

I remember when I used to be critical of people who put their elderly parents in nursing homes so they didn’t have to take care of them. In my idealistic mind I could take care of husband, children and home in a single bound, and even take on the wrenches that got thrown into the works on a daily basis. And never get my Super Mom cape dirty. I was adamant that neither my husband’s mother nor my mother would ever spend a day in a nursing home. What did I know?

His mother spent the last 15 months or so of her life in a nursing home. My husband didn’t tell me why. He’s not much of a communicator. All he would say was that “It’s not a good idea.” I was hurt and jumped to the conclusion that I wasn’t considered good enough to take care of a woman who was still sharp-minded and able to take care of herself. Seven years later I learned there were health issues. It had nothing at all to do with me. Why didn’t my husband tell me?

Now my mother has lived in a nursing home for 19 months. She is more docile now. I recall many difficult visits when she got angry because we wouldn’t bring her home from that place. Now she says, “If you have to be someplace like this, this is the place to be. They take good care of us here.”

The turnover in staff is high. That concerns me. When a family develops a relationship with the caregivers who look after their loved ones, and suddenly the place is filled with a lot of new faces, relationship building begins all over again. There is no security in knowing that the caregivers know Mom and care about her. And how many times do I have to ask, “Will someone help her with her teeth? They are a mess. She can’t remember to do it on her own and she would be so embarrassed if she realized what condition her teeth are in.” I wonder, if I took a mirror in to mount on the wall, would she notice then? Probably not. She can lose me sitting right beside her.

I used to feel guilty about Mom being there. Now I feel guilty because I can’t get there every day to visit with her for half an hour or so, to play Uno or Yahtzee with her, or draw with her, or just walk with her. It’s important that she have stimulation to keep the brain function she has. And it’s been said by staff members themselves that there is little of that for the Alzheimer’s residents. No wonder I was asked to come and volunteer there. But there are all of the other family obligations I have. And there isn’t a place closer to home that I know of so I can visit more often.

So, we just do the best we can from day to day. And now I understand why people have placed their elderly or special needs loved ones in a facility that can better see to the physical needs, even if they don’t see to the intellectual and emotional needs. Family can still see to those if they are willing.

No guilt today. But I do need to go and visit with my mom. I’ll take milkshakes and we’ll play Yahtzee, and I will remember for both of us. For today, my other priorities will have to wait.