We've started to look at nursing homes. And it feels like betrayal. In understand this is common for family members who face this hurdle in the Alzheimer's game. I am remembering something Hazel Burnip told me a LONG time ago. She said to find out about things I'm going to need to know before we arrive at an emotional crisis point when we can't think clearly because of the immediate stress we are coping with. At the time we were in the midst of the Economic Malaise, circa 1980. My family was one that "fell through the cracks" of the federal government system. The advice is still good today.
We went to the Alzheimer’s facility about fifteen miles from home. We visited unannounced. Surprise inspection.
• Away from the main road.
• Pleasant surroundings.
• Doors kept locked.
• Peaceful throughout the building.
• No lingering unpleasant odors.
• Residents seem content.
• Two people to a room.
• Hair salon
• Caring staff, by all appearances.
• Facility like a hospital…sorta.
• Missing: home and family.
• Issue: Distance from family and home.
We drove into town to check out the retirement community. I had heard good things about it.
• Beautiful surroundings.
• Beautiful rooms, one resident to a room.
• Homey, family atmosphere.
• Beauty salon.
• Small store for essentials like shampoo and toilet paper.
• Residents bring their own belongings/furnishings and personalize their rooms.
• I could stay with her for a few days while she settled in.
• Friendly staff.
• Missing: doors are not locked. I fear they are not equipped to handle advanced Alzheimer’s.
The facility is beautiful and I think Mom would like it there, but with advanced Alzheimer’s we don’t want to get her settled in somewhere just to yank her out and move her somewhere else. We have other places to check out. Personally, I want to buy the nursing facility in our town that is moving to new digs in another community. I’d like to make it an Alzheimer’s facility, one person to a room where desired, roommates when desired. Homelike atmosphere, one wing at a time. It had strong roots but has fallen into disrepair. It’s close to home. And there is only one other place in our town.
Last night we talked awhile, my sister-in-law Dawn, my daughter Christie and me. Dawn said we have to think about Mom’s safety. Can’t argue with that. But it still feels like I’m betraying the woman who sacrificed for all of us forever. She made sure we had even if it meant she went without. “That’s what Mom is supposed to do,” she said. Richard may remember some of the things that happened, but he was so young. I know he doesn’t remember a lot. Some happened before he was born. Our mother…she was a warm, smart, intelligent, compassionate, generous, strong woman. When we play the Alzheimer’s Peek-a-Boo game, she still is. Those moments are fewer these days.
Mom said to me, not too many days after her Alzheimer’s diagnosis, “The day will come when you will have to put me in a nursing home. Do it. I will probably argue with you. But I trust you to do the right thing. And when I don’t know you any more, stop coming to visit. I will be gone. All that will be there is an empty shell.”
As if…
As if I could not go and sit and hold her hand and remember all that she was “in the days.”
As if I could leave her alone in a silent world, isolated from everyone and everything.
I say these last words facing the unknown of the Alzheimer’s progression. For, although all AD patients share some symptoms, each case also is individual.
In my heart I keep thinking about causes. Why did this happen to my mother? I pray to God it wasn’t created in a laboratory somewhere to be exploited by pharmaceutical companies for profits.
Remember on the X-files, the woman who said (just before she disappeared), “No matter how paranoid you think you are, you probably aren’t paranoid enough.”
(c)2009 Cathy Thomas Brownfield ~ All Rights Reserved
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