Baby Steps

It's April 1. Nope, I don't do April Fool's Day jokes. I'm not very much of a practical joker at all. My birth sign is Cancer and I am serious about the people and things that are important to me. I am fiercely protective of my world and the population inside it. Once you are in my world, you are one of my priorities, even if you think I'm one step away from s-mothering. It's my nature. I try to curb it, but sometimes it just steps in and takes over. 

For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me because of this. Then I started to read a book about Birthdays and read about my birth sign and thought, "Well, doesn't that just nail me to the wall?" Someone said that zodiac stuff can apply to anyone so I know not to mention that to her again. Hahahahahahaha! I don't want to offend her. She is very helpful to me in other things. I want to keep her on my side. It's my choice what I believe and I believe that book helped to lift me from the doldrums I had found myself in.

In another respect I have begun some other baby steps to learn that I have already picked myself up and started to move in the right direction for me. I thought, again, that there was something terribly wrong with me, but as it turns out, I am doing--and saying--all the things I need to do and say. Feel that confidence thing growing? And as I feel that confidence growing I feel happier, lighter, and as if I've walked out of the darkness into the light. What a feeling!

There are some reasons why I was in those doldrums. My dad died. I stayed with my mom as long as I could because she couldn't live alone. I finished college while I stayed with her. I couldn't have done it without my daughters, Beth and Christie, to help me. They visited with my mom when I had classes so I could finish that last semester. Then Mom was moved to a nursing facility. (If you have read any of my blog entries I probably already have explained that they are NOT homes. There is nothing HOMEY about them. They are death camps. That's my opinion and I don't think I'm likely to change it.) Then one of my daughters received her associate degree. Then two of my daughters moved to North Carolina, more than 500 miles away from me. Then my mother died. Death, nursing facility, empty nest, death, and a few problems with the mister at our address. There was little time to heal between crises. And there was no comfort from the mister. That might be my fault because I didn't want anyone close to me to make me weak. I'm thinking that's not exactly so but I've always been willing to take responsibility for my part of things. I'm flawed, too, ya know.

It's been a long road. Yesterday, D and I were talking about God and our gifts and if we don't use what he gives us he takes it away. D suggested that maybe Mom didn't use any of the gifts God gave her--and she had a bunch that patriarchal "rules," perhaps which can be perceived as "false truths" were the culprit that prevented her realizing all of her potential. 

Is it trying to strike a deal with God that I have made this giant leap to determining it's time to use the gifts he gave me so long ago, but I was in an apprenticeship to learn how to best use them...so I won't get Alzheimer's? Well, whether I get Alzheimer's or not, I am going to throw myself into using those gifts. Everyone will have to accept that I am not always going to be available. And that they must contribute, too, not just me. I'm not everyone's mom. I am not everyone's servant. We are all in this together. Time to pool our resources so we can get the greatest benefits for all. 

(c) 2014 Cathy Thomas Brownfield ~ All Rights Reserved.