Looking Ahead

In the fall of 2012 I made a decision. I adopted a mantra to live by: A new me in 2014. I gave myself a year to sift through the memories of my life and plan for my future. And I've spent this year working on rediscovering me.

It's not easy to be truthful with ourselves. We want to deny that we have "bad" traits or that we have messed up sometimes, although it is only human to make mistakes, to "mess up" sometimes. I ask for forgiveness from those I might have offended. And then I forgive myself for my mistakes and go on.

It feels like I have alienated friends and acquaintances because my opinions differ from theirs. And our opinions should be able to be different without causing friends to no longer be friends. But, these are different times we are living in. If you disagree, if you speak what you are thinking, hoping for an exchange of ideas, that isn't what you get.

So, a few people have stepped on my toes this year. And I have said what I thought. And now they don't want to speak to me so I feel like I was wrong to express what I thought and felt. When I expressed that I was assured that wasn't so. Still, when I post to an online group and nobody responds to it I, like so many others--maybe the reader, maybe the people I have tried to reach--take it personally, even though I tell myself I shouldn't. Why does it matter so much to me what people think? I don't want them to think I'm a neurotic woman, a loose cannon. I'm not those things. But not knowing me well enough to judge--and I am probably doing the same thing to others here and judging from what I see and read--well, it has created "issues."

Except, I'm not sure that is true. I attended the calling hours for the mother of a childhood friend. I remember all the hours we spent together and think of the neighbors at that time as "extended family." I was thanked for coming, told it meant a lot. But one of the daughters of the deceased looked at me, and voice dripping in condescension, said my name as if I was unworthy of being there. Obviously she does not hold our childhood memories in the same "family" status as I do. Well, my conscience is clear. I paid my respects to a woman who was deserving of respect and always spoke to me with mutual respect whenever I saw her. I offered my support to my friend and her sister who do not, apparently, regard me as that same friend, but just someone they used to know. Ah, well. I will love them like sisters forever, even if I'm just a distant stranger to them.

Here's to the memories of childhood where we accepted everyone and offered patience, love and kindness to all...And tolerated the bullying from those who were bigger than us and were so low class as to pick on someone too small to fight back. Cowards.

I can't apologize for that last bitter note.