Speaking up

There is a fine line between taking care of a loved one in a nursing home and taking care of a loved one in a nursing home. You read that right. You don't want to make the people who work at the nursing home angry so they will take it out on your loved one, but you want your loved one to be taken care of properly, even when they insist that everything was being done but you just couldn't see it until you raised the questions.

"I don't have to tell you the reputation that nursing homes have," I advised the group of staffers who gathered for the quarterly care meeting for my mother. "There is a stigma, and those questions are always in my mind. And I have to believe the reason that doctor who 'typically doesn't come in on a Tuesday evening' came in because of what I said: He uses the nurses as his eyes and prescribes care over the phone. If he wants to take care of my mother he will have to be his own eyes or he is done. God bless nurses, but they aren't doctors. That is his job!"

What I also said several days ago was this, "I can handle anything when I get the truth. I don't handle well at all being lied to. I'm not saying anyone has lied to me. I'm saying it better not happen."

I haven't used my trump cards yet: I have media connections and I know how to use them. I have no qualms at all about calling state in to investigate. I haven't been hiding the fact that I'm a writer. It just never came up. But I've said several times, in the past week, that I am a writer. They might be saying to themselves, "Oh, NOW I know where I've heard her name."

What I know for certain is that my mother literally marched through Hell for her family when she was raising us. She went without--I'm not talking about luxuries here--so the rest of us could have what we NEEDED. She endured a difficult marriage when it would have been much better for her if she would have left it. But as she told me once, "You can't help who you love," meaning that we fall in love and there's not much we can do about it. And when "you make your bed, you have to lie in it" comes to light. My mother--and I'm sure others feel the same about their mothers--deserves the best care we can provide for her.

My family has to be able to trust them to take good care of Mom in our absence, though they told me there is someone from the family there every day of the week, sometimes more than one person shows up on the same day. I'm glad they notice that because they will tend to her care because they never know when one of us is going to walk through that door. There is a reason why I don't let them know when I am going to visit.

Should family members speak up? If you don't develop a relationship with the staff who take care of your loved one what do you have? When you open your loved one's life to a huge "family" at a nursing facility, you have to open yourself to that family, as well. How can your loved one regard the nursing home as "Home" if you don't? Family isn't just what you're born into. It's the circle of human beings that you belong to.

One of my daughters had a "discussion" with a friend. Afterward, she felt like a heel because she had questioned whether this person was truly her friend. I told her, and I meant it, when you have disagreements with someone, the fixing of things--the making up after a disagreement--strengthens the friendship. That's not a bad thing. In fact, that's a doggone good thing! That's when the misunderstandings and misinterpretations are cleared up.

Should you speak up or keep your mouth shut so you don't cause trouble? In my humble opinion, speaking up is a good thing. It doesn't have to be a knock-down, drag-out. It just needs to be clear: I am aware of the stigma of nursing home facilities. I am aware of what is best for my loved one. I am not trying to offend anyone. I'm trying to be fair, and I'm trying to make sure that my loved one--in my case, my mother--is well taken care of because she deserves to be well taken care of and I'm trying to honor those things she made me promise her when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's nine years ago.

"I know the day is going to come when you will have to put me in a nursing home. It's OK. You do what you have to do. I know I'm going to argue with you, but it's the right thing so you do it. And when I don't know you any more, stop coming to visit me because I will be gone."

Yes, we moved her to a nursing home. Yes, she has argued with us about it. Will I ever stop visiting her? Probably not. Even when she doesn't know me any more I will continue to go if I am able. Even if all I can do is sit in the chair beside her bed and watch her sleep. But I pray, "Please, Lord, be kind to my mother."

(c) 2010 Cathy Thomas Brownfield
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